Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Inside the celebration

Direct from the eyewitness account/demented imagination of a New York Magazine writer, here's an inside peek at the Gyllengaard nuptials:



Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal got married this weekend at a hotel in Italy and because of what we can only assume is a systemic, across-the-board tabloid failure, no gossip magazines were there to document the occasion. OK! was not present to take pictures, and no helicopters hovered above the hotel in Italy where Brooklyn's reigning Bobo celebrities exchanged vows. Thus, we've taken it upon ourselves to reimagine what the ceremony must have been like.

[Italy. The "magic hour," as they say in the film biz. The bride is resplendent in a dress made by an indie designer no one has heard of. The groom has not shaved for the occasion. The couple is surrounded by their unfamous family and friends, although Maggie's brother, Jake Gyllenhaal, and his celebrity girlfriend, Reese Witherspoon, who are standing by a cake reading "Forevaa" in fondant, lend a festive touch. Since Maggie and Peter are known intellectuals, they have of course written their own vows, which we have reproduced below. ]

Peter: Since we're in Italy, I thought that I would write something that expresses how I feel on the occasion of our getting married after seven long years together — in the local language, which I've learned for this very special occasion.

Maggie: [Beams] Oh, honey, you're so smart.

Peter: [Beams] No, you're so smart. [Begins reading, in a high-pitched lilt] This is a moment of joy, and I want to kiss everybody, because you are the nature of the joy. And he who kisses the joy flies lives in a town with the sunrise, says the poet. And it is wonderful here.

Reese: [Whispering to Jake] Isn't this Roberto Benigni's 1999 Oscar speech?

Peter: I feel like diving into this ocean of generosity. I would like to be Jupiter and kidnap everybody and lie down in the firmament making love to everybody.

Reese: Also, he is speaking English.

Maggie: [Glares at Reese]

Peter: [Continues blissfully] "I would like to embrace the hailstorm of our kindness and our gratitude for you. And also I would like to thank Harvey Weinstein. [Applause as he turns around proudly]

Maggie: Dear Peter: I am so lucky to be marrying you. Underneath the sympathetic pregnancy weight you still haven't lost and the Joaquin Phoenix–like beard, you are still the handsomest man I know, next to my own brother, and I've been told that neither you nor I are allowed to marry him, for different but equally unfair reasons. Now I would like to read a unique and powerful passage from my favorite book, by the poet Khalil Gibran.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.


I just feel like that represents us, because I don't eat bread, but you do.

Officiant: [Shakes head] And by the power vested in me, I name you Saarsgaal.

Reese: [Whispers] Thank God that's over.

Peter: And now I'm going to play a song on my guitar that I wrote. It's called Maggie May, because your name is Maggie, and this is the month of May.

Just because:







(Photos courtesy of IHJ and Faded Youth. Article by Jessica Pressler.)

49 comments:

FluorescentLamp said...

HEE-lar-ee-us!

Honest to god that's one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I was going to quote some funny bits, but there are just too many. Kudos to Jessica Pressler.

sass said...

OMG that's hilarious...Thanks UV and FL for rescuing me from a damned awful last two weeks...love Jake, Reese his hat and how happy they both are. Maggie and her hubby look over the moon...I'm very happy for them.

UltraViolet said...

Oh, FL, thanks for saying the writer's name - I should add that to the post. And ITA, too many funny parts to single out. Though I do love, "Also, he is speaking English."

And SASS! So good to see you. I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks, but glad you got a smile out of this. And ITA - I love Jake and his hat and Jake and Reese and Maggie and Peter.

The world is just full of love :)

Take care, sweetie. And drop me a line sometime if you need anything.

UltraViolet said...

For another laugh, this story says that Peter and Kirsten were once engaged! How on earth did they get that mixed up?

I'm glad everyone is still friends!

chica said...

LMAO!! That was just too funny! I missed ET(previous post), was there actual photos from the wedding?

Hi Sass, sorry to hear that the past few weeks have been tough, hope things get better soon.

extra said...

My favorite part:

Peter: And now I'm going to play a song on my guitar that I wrote. It's called Maggie May, because your name is Maggie, and this is the month of May.

LOL! thanks for posting! IHJ has pictures of J&R ariving at LAX and he is in his protective mode!

So glad you stopped by Sass, I have been thinking about you. Happy that J&R and Maggie and Peter were able to put a smile on your face

bobbyanna said...

Love it! Picturing Peter in my head, doing a Roberto Begnini, singing an ode with his guitar, was the perfect way to start out today! This has to be one of the funniest pieces I've read in a while. Hey, Sass. Great to see you!

Thanks for the heads up, extra. Looks like they were swarmed at LAX. Almost unavoidable with the way the paps all camp out there.

sag actor said...

Ha, Ha, that was the funniest thing I have read in a while!!

Belated congrats to Maggie and Peter!

Jake and Reese looked blissfully happy and content in all the pictures I have seen from Italy.

extra said...

Jared says that they arrived at LAX from Paris. Wouldn't they have made a connecting flight in Rome instead??

I'm fascinated with that big multi-color luggage/bag that Reese has!

UltraViolet said...

This article is still cracking me up. Glad you all are enjoying it, too.

In much less funny news, Jessica Biel "devastated" over Nailed:

It looked to be a big break for Jessica Biel, a starring role in a sexual satire directed by David O. Russell of Three Kings and I Heart Huckabees.
But Nailed, co-starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Catherine Keener, Tracy Morgan and James Marsden, turned into a nightmare for Biel. Instead of making a splash playing a woman whose personality changes toward the "outrageous" after she is shot in the head with a nail, the film was shut down repeatedly due to the collapse in its financing.

Thrown into turmoil last year, the film has yet to be finished.

"That was definitely an experience, something I could NOT say no to," Biel told me in an interview. "I am a huge David O. Russell fan. It’s just heartbreaking that so many people put so much work into this particular project only to have it sit there, unfinished. But it’s one of those things where we had no idea it would have happened.

"If I’d had an idea that it might happen, would I still have done it? I don’t know. Probably. I had an incredible experience with David and the rest of the cast. It made me a better actor. For all that, I’m devastated that it’s not finished and who knows when it will be and will come out. I still have my fingers crossed that something good will come of it, that it will be finished."...

She's trying to keep her sense of humor about the bad luck. When I suggest that maybe, to stir up new financing interest to finish Nailed, she and David O. Russell could stage one of his infamous tantrums for a viral video, she giggles (James Caan quit Nailed over a Russell run-in). "You know, that might work!"
I really hope this can be salvaged somehow!

UltraViolet said...

Added a couple of photos from LAX that I didn't see at IHJ, from a different angle.

They seem to have a slight distortion, perpetuating that '60s feel of the Italy Pics :)

I onder what's going on in this one.

Monica said...

Good morning, babblers!
I loved! Especially the part about Roberto Begnini! So funny!

Jake's very protective in the photos of airport!! Lovely man!

Thanks for the article, UV. I was very anxious to see Nailed, but I think I only see on DVD. If they finalize!

sheba baby said...

I almost spit coffee all over my computer reading that, Pressler has some imagination and is funny as hell too!

They were swarmed at LAX and he has the back away from my woman look, back away!!

The woman in the back at that link you posted looks like someone forgot to tell her that Mardi Gras is over.

Peter was engaged to Kristen??? LOL!

Man, that is not good news regarding Nailed, I can't believe that they can't find $$$ to get it finished, sigh. That and along with the conflicting news about Brothers (August??) I'm afraid that we may have to wait for Pop next year to see Jake on the big screen.

(((Sass)))

get real said...

LOLOL, very funny from NY Mag!

Glad to see Jake and Reese back in L.A. safe and sound, looking great as usual. Despite all the annoying paps.

Peter and Kirsten...wha?!?! I don't think so.

(((Sass))) good to hear from you hon. Glad the pics made you happy. Sending all good thoughts to you!

Not liking the news on Nailed. :/

Thanks for all the info!

Monica said...

Sass, I'm happy to see you here. Most happy to see that Jake put a smile on your face!

bobbyanna said...

Ouch. I'm hoping the information with Jessica Beil is not up to date. We did see Jake having lunch with DOR a few weeks back, and then didn't we hear that they were laying the soundtrack music?

I'm still hoping we see it sometime this fall. OTOH, maybe Russell will try to ride the wave of publicity for PoP and release it sometime next year?

I just hope we get a chance to see it before it's considered "vintage" :)

UltraViolet said...

Ack - this could just be baseless, but this report makes Nailed seem like a longshot:

Probably much to the chagrin of one of our sources, we've been sitting on a story for months now about David O. Russell's "Nailed," and the fact that the film looks like it's never coming out. Aside from the already tremendous and very-publicized financial problems the film endured -- production shut down four times during filming, James Caan quit in the middle of filming, there was an altercation of some kind with lead Jake Gyllenhaal -- the film is, according to one of our sources, unfinished, missing key scenes and has been basically abandoned by the principle post-production players. Everyone's moved on (and obviously O. Russell has taken on three new projects since: "The Fighter," the romantic comedy, "Aaron & Sarah," and the bizarro comedy "The Silver Linings Playbook").

We were reluctant however, to cause a controversy that might be easily dismissed as a blog rumor and were trying unsuccessfully to get someone on the record (though we did however, hint at it in this piece about the film's score that was to be written by Spike Jonze's brother, Squeak E. Clean).

But now we don't really need that as Jessica Biel herself, one of the lead's of the political satire has basically come out and said it all herself in a recent article with the Orlando Sentinel, the film is unfinished and would essentially have to return for additional photography and scenes for it to be complete ted (and they're not reshoots because the scenes were never shot). ...
BOO.

FluorescentLamp said...

the film is unfinished and would essentially have to return for additional photography and scenes for it to be completeted (and they're not reshoots because the scenes were never shot)<>

Yeah I don't see that happening anytime soon. Oh well.

office of nancy pelosi said...

Let's see People magazine or US top that eyewitness report on the wedding!! Oh man was that funny!

It looks like Reese lost her pants during the flight, LOL! They look tired but good.

Shit, I knew something was up with Nailed, that sucks big time. If it goes straight to DVD it looks like Brothers is our only hope to see Jake on the big screen.

Hi Sass!!
Sending good vibes your way.

sheba said...

Peter: I feel like diving into this ocean of generosity. I would like to be Jupiter and kidnap everybody and lie down in the firmament making love to everybody.You know the weird thing is that I can actually imagine Peter saying exactly that :DD Thank you for such a wickedly funny post. Peter and Maggie *deep sigh* :DD

Jess is not the only one heartbroken over Nailed. It would have been another Jake classic - can't belive it, never to see the light of day - unbelievable. :o( Maybe some fan intervention is required like they did for The Imaginarium....

Good to 'see' you Sass.

UltraViolet said...

Hee - I can see Peter saying it, too, Sheba.

Account from someone at LAX last night for R&J's arrival.

And OONP, at this point, straight to DVD would be good news for Nailed. It doesn't sound like there's a finished film there at all.

I hope against hope that we get to see it somehow.

UltraViolet said...

Non sequitur, but Harry at Ain't It Cool saw The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus and loved it. A full and total rave.

There is a lot of detail in the review, so I didn't read it all so as not to be spoiled. He's a big Gilliam fan. He loved it and loved Heath and everyone else in it.

UltraViolet said...

Sorry for the triple post, but Jake is up against Brad Pitt in the next PopSugar round and is apparently losing. He probably won't win, but vote if you want!

bobbyanna said...

I just don't want to believe Nailed is kaput! I'm lighting candles...:)

Wonderful news about Dr. Parnassuss and for Heath. I have to say I'm not looking forward to it coming out, in a way. I wanted it to be "in production" still.

The account from the airport is cute. Confirms suspicions they were swarmed. Yeah. I noticed that Reese lost her pants, too! :)

Anonymous said...

she also changed her shoes:)

josie said...

Inside details from Maggie and Peter's wedding via People:

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are famously private – and they kept their weekend wedding characteristically intimate, sources tell PEOPLE.

The longtime couple exchanged vows inside the cloister of a convent called the Convento di Santa Maria di Costantinopoli, a luxury bed and breakfast in Brindisi, Italy, before just 40 close friends and family members, including the bride's brother, Jake Gyllenhaal, and his girlfriend, Reese Witherspoon.


http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20276829,00.html


The details are romantic but the NY magazine account was funny, hee, hee!!

Reese lost her pants and changed shoes! I can't decide if i like her sandals or not (you can see them on IHJ), kind of funky looking.

That's not good news regarding Nailed, I have a feeling we will never see it in the theaters which is too bad.

What a great review for Dr. Paranassus. I feel the same as you bobbyanna, it's going to be hard watching Heath.

((((Sass))))!

Anonymous said...

Jake should realize that once Prince of Persia promotion starts, he can kiss his privacy good bye.

lawgoddess said...

I laugh out loud over this, it was great!

My favorite part:

"you are still the handsomest man I know, next to my own brother, and I've been told that neither you nor I are allowed to marry him, for different but equally unfair reasons."

The first LAX picture- I just love that Jake is always touching Reese. And the protectiveness turns me into a puddle of goo.

Anonymous said...

I thought that was cute, too. It was as if the writer was giving a shoutout to the beauty of Jake.

Well, she was, actually.

shondra said...

That was the funniest thing i have read, bravo! Thanks for the links and updates.

Bummer about Nailed, I really want to see that but it looks like the only chance will be on DVD at this point.

I love the prtective vibe from the LAX photos too!

Hi Sass, so glad you stopped by, happy that the J&R pics made you smile.

Anonymous said...

Reese still has a glowy tan, probably from their Spring Break vacation. She looks amazing. The kids have been invisible lately. There was one account of Jake and Deacon out for lunch, but no pictures. I'm glad.

sag actor said...

From the comment section on hollywood-elsewhere regarding Nailed:

"Word on the street is that the final shutdown left just one scene unshot. Unfortunately, it's the scene wherein Biel actually gets the nail through the head. One can imagine that might be a bit crucial to the finished product".


I thought it was several scenes and not just one? And you would think that this scene would be the first one filmed.

bobbyanna said...

I just don't get it. David O. Russell had so many problems with Nailed, yet he's landed more projects since? He's not the most popular guy in H'wood, so is it possible maybe someone is badmouthing him, putting the worse spin on an already fraught situation?

I thought I'd heard about the "one more scene to shoot" rumor way back shortly after they apparently wrapped. Some of this stuff just sounds like recycled info.

True, Jessica Beil's comments were discouraging but not really new. She didn't sound like she was that up to speed. Clearly, she's focusing on current, more immediate work.

I'm just hoping these reports are distorted or exaggerated. (Maybe Russell can just re-name it and Jessica won't need to shoot the scene....:) )

UltraViolet said...

Some baseless tidbits. First up, another engagement rumor. Or maybe they are being facetious. It's hard to tell:

A little bird told us that Jake and Reese are now engaged. No word on whether or not it had to do with bouquet-catching at Maggie and Peter's ceremony.And from In Touch:

Reese & Jake's romantic retreat
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are quietly building a perfect life for themselves and her children in California's wine country.
There's apparently a story in this week's edition.

Anonymous said...

Baseless is exactly correct. Jake and his family have always liked wine country. While Jake and Reese love it for quiet weekend getaways, custody issues prevent them being more then a couple of hours away by car.

They all really love going to the farm in Ojai. That is where they are building a good life right now.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Indignant Anon's insider info is as baseless as the article.

Not to mention that InTouch is probably referring to Ojai when they say wine country.

wiki said...

I googled to find out some information on wnwries near Ojai and found this from Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojai,_California#Noted_residents

Did Jake and Reese move to Ojai or are they saying they just have a place there?

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:38 you make no sense. I am referring to publically known facts.

wiki, you may be right. As far as gossip bloggers and reporters are concerned, Geography isn't their best subject, so it isn't such a leap for them to think Ojai is in Napa Valley. "Wine country" is a term generally used to refer to Napa and environs.

wiki said...

Maybe they were refering to Ojai:

http://www.ojaivineyard.com/

Anonymous said...

New pics at IHJ.

UltraViolet said...

Jake doesn't have a hat on in those pics for those who are hat averse :)

Not sure what the anons above are arguing over, but the article will almost surely be about the Ojai house. And anon5:37, we don't know what the article says. No one has read it yet.

Also, no one who posts here knows anything about custody specifics nor should we be discussing them.

Anonymous said...

UV, if it is true they are going to run an article about the ranch in Ojai, I think it is very sad. That was a retreat for them. Private. Jake reportedly told a friend over the Christmas holidays Ojai was "a godsend." He was so happy to have the peace and solitude and privacy. Not something for gawking and pawwing over by anyone. Other film stars have ranches, and retreats, and country houses, and they manage very well to not be intruded upon. Poor Jake.

peace and quiet said...

I don't think Jake and Reese are intruded upon, they are left alone along with other stars that have homes in Ojai. The only time they were papped there was over the holidays when RDJ and his wife spent time with them and even then it was far from the ranch. The rags have already reported about the ranch , has so ever since she bought it last year.

With the occassional blog spotting of J&R in Ojai aside, they are left in peace.

So there is no need to say poor, Jake, he is fine and so is Reese and yes the ranch is a godsend for both.

The blurb from the rag doesn't mention where, just says wine country and people assume Napa valley.

I'll take Jake with and w/o the hat, love him either way! His dad has a place in W. Hollywood, it was good to see the whole family together in Italy for the wedding.

Monica said...

Good morning, babblers!
UV, I like the hat, but Jake's hair is so beautiful!
Thanks for all links and information!

chica said...

Good morning Mr. Gyllenhaal, nice um, biceps!! LOL!!! Thanks for the heds up Anon. What's all this worrying about Jake and Reese's privacy coming from? The Ojai purchase was splashed all over the net and other places last year, they will be fine.

Thanks for all the links, it's not looking good for Nailed, sigh.

(((((Sass))))

josie said...

I don't think anyone should feel bad for Jake or Reese, I think they have more than enough privacy on the farm.

I'm more concerned about Jake's movies that seem to be stalled at the moment: Nailed and Brothers. I would welcome any concrete news on when or if they will hit the big screen this year.

I would assume that he will be at Comic con this July for Pop, I hear that they will premiere the trailer there.

Jake looks great in the pics, his hair does look a bit lighter though!

Anonymous said...

New pics of Jake and Reese leaving R&D cafe in S. Monica on IHJ.

bobbyanna said...

I sure am enjoying the way he looks in a t-shirt...and hatless! :)

Thanks for the pics alert!

I'm crossing my fingers that Brothers will get a screening in Toronto in Spetember, and a fall release. No way to know. With Toby Maguire and Natalie Portman attached, as well as Jake, they'll definitely have to do something with it...right?

I am also hoping that
David O. Russell got some (mythical) deal to help him get Nailed ready for release, as part of his signing on those other projects.

If the movie is ready, they could release it next year and just ride the wave of publicity for PoP. Might even make a profit.

UltraViolet said...

I'm with you, Bobbyanna - I hope something rescues Nailed from ignominy.

New post for the new pics.